


Of Blame and Failure

by Windify



Series: The Katana Chronicles [5]
Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2003), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Family Feels, Gen, Good Parent Splinter (TMNT), Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Leonardo-centric (TMNT), Protective Siblings, Recovery, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 06:40:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28862703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Windify/pseuds/Windify
Summary: He sat down immediately, puzzlement all over his face. “Have I done something, Sensei?”Splinter looked directly into his son’s eyes. “Take off the bandages on your forearms.”
Relationships: Donatello & Leonardo & Michelangelo & Raphael (TMNT), Leonardo & Splinter (TMNT)
Series: The Katana Chronicles [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2099514
Comments: 5
Kudos: 48





	Of Blame and Failure

**Author's Note:**

> TW: SELF-HARM. 
> 
> Today, I’m a week clean from SH. That’s the only reason why this work even exists – because I wanted to express my feelings. 
> 
> So yeah. I just wanted some good parent behaviour. So I wrote it. That’s it. 
> 
> Please do NOT read if SELF-HARM TRIGGERS YOU. Self-harming itself isn’t described but they talk about it in the fic.

Looking back, Splinter should have noticed sooner. He should have known something was wrong with his eldest son.

But he didn’t. No one did, because Leonardo always seemed so happy and determined, so ready to protect the one he loves. He was the eldest brother and the eldest son, the perfect leader, always trying to do the right thing, always trying to be the best.

It was just his son’s nature and Splinter couldn’t be more proud of Leonardo’s achievements, of his protectiveness towards his younger brothers. He was ready to jump between them and any danger, he was always ready to took a blow or a bullet meant for them. He had these tendencies even when they were just a little children, and they lasted even when they were older.

He was trying to tell himself that maybe that was why he hadn’t noticed it sooner, even though deep down in his soul he knew he was just cowardly closing his eyes before the painfully obvious truth.

At first, he thought nothing of the scratches and cuts. With their lifestyle and their training, it was nothing surprising. Leonardo himself trained with sharp blades all the time and it was nearly impossible to not cut yourself. Half of the time his son didn’t even know he had cut himself as the wounds were only flesh.

But then the injuries started increasing.When asked, Leonardo said that it was nothing, that he was trying to improve his skills with smaller blades and throwing knives like kunai. Splinter didn’t have any reason to not trust him, but the wounds were worrying. Even though Leonardo’s main weapon were his katanas, he shouldn’t have that much injuries and his son definitely wasn’t clumsy.

In the end, he wasn’t the only one who noticed. After all, the turtles didn’t even wear clothes, their bodies were mostly uncovered.

Donatello, Michelangelo and Raphael approached Splinter one night after Leonardo went to the bed, their faces twisted with concern. “Father,” Donatello started, “we’re worried about Leo. He has been having lot of smaller injuries lately.”

“And he sure as hell didn’t get them in any fight,” added Raphael, teeth gritted.

Michelangelo nodded. “And he is wearing bandages around his wrists. It’s not _normal_.” 

“I noticed too, my sons,” Splinter assured them. “And I’m afraid of what this means. But we shouldn’t jump to conclusions.”

Donatello shifted his weight nervously. “But Sensei – this is going on for a while now. If our suspicion is right then we should do something about it. Anything.”

“Maybe we are wrong,” Mikey whispered. “Maybe we’re exaggerating. Maybe there’s a reason…”

“Mikey, you were the first one who pointed it out,” objected Raphael.

The youngest turtle threw his hands: “Well sorry that it feels so surrealistic for Leo to self-harm! That’s just – it just doesn’t make any sense!”

They all froze when Michelangelo said it aloud. He wasn’t sure why as they all thought about it, but hearing it…

It made Splinter frown, his heart felt suddenly very cold.

They cornered his eldest son the following morning, after Leonardo’s training. The blue-masked ninja stopped when he entered the kitchen and saw all of them waiting for him here. “Is something wrong?” he asked.

Splinter waved his hand. “Yes. Please sit down, my son.”

“Wha –”

“Sit down, Leonardo.”

He sat down immediately, puzzlement all over his face. “Have I done something, Sensei?”

Splinter looked directly into his son’s eyes. “Take off the bandages on your forearms.”

Leonardo stiffened, eyes wide open. His face smoothed not even a second later. but not quickly enough for them to not register the terror he felt. “What? Why?” His voice was tense, he looked ready to flee.

Splinter felt his heart sunk down.

Raphael banged his fist on the table, startling all of them. “Just take them off, dammit!”

“No,” Leonardo hissed. Based on his posture he was ready to fight in case they wanted to hold him here. “No way.”

“We know, Leo,” Michelangelo said softly.

Donatello threw a knife on the table. Then another and another, all of them hitting the wooden table with a loud clink. “You cleaned them just like you always do, but science is amazing. And I noticed the missing supplies in the medical kit.”

Raphael leaned on his chair, hand crossed over his plastron. “And your wounds definitely aren’t from any of our fights with Purple Dragons or The Foot. So don’t play stupid.”

Leonardo’s eyes roved from one to another. He swallowed, looking at the table instead them in their faces. “It’s nothing.”

“It is not nothing, Leonardo.” Splinter reached over the table, laying his hand on his eldest son’s wrists. He didn’t react when his son flinched, but Leo didn’t even tried to recoil from his fathers touch. “Can I?”

His son didn’t say yes, but he didn’t say no either. Slowly, Splinter started taking the bandages off. He didn’t get far with it. All of sudden Leonardo winced, covering Splinter’s hand with his own. “Wait, father – _wait_.” He glanced towards his brothers before looking at their teacher, eyes pleading. “I don’t want them to see,” he mumbled.

All three turtles huffed, but it was Raphael who growled: “No way we’re not –”

“Raphael,” he interrupted him, “Donatello, Michelangelo, please retreat to the living room.”

“What?” Michelagelo squeaked. “Come on, Master Splinter, you can’t mean it!”

But Donatello, always the wise one, shook his head. “Raph, Mikey, let’s go. Please.” He grabed both of them by their shells, pushing them out of the room before they could protest.

Splinter sent him a grateful smile and then looked back at his eldest. “Can I take the bandages off now?”

The ninja gave just the tiniest of nods, sitting completely still while he unwinded the fabric. Splinter hissed upon seeing the cuts and already healed silver scars. “My son,” he whispered. “ _Leonardo_.”

“Please don’t be disappointed.”

Leonardo’s voice was small, he sounded so scared and young, so beaten. He knew there was no point in hiding anymore, he knew he couldn’t lie anymore – and the only thing that was left was the agonizing truth.

“I am not, Leonardo,” Splinter said softly, bringing his palm to his son’s cheek. “I am angry, my son. Not at you, but at myself.” For not noticing sooner. For being so blind, for not caring enough about his son’s well-being, for failing as a father. “Why?”

It was a simple question, but hard to answer. He saw how tense Leonardo was, he saw the haunted look in his eyes. He could only patiently wait, knowing very well that they had forced him to confess when he wasn’t ready.

“Please, my son. I want to understand.” He needed to know what had he done wrong. He needed to know if he could prevent this.

They just sat here in silence for several minutes before Leonardo started talking. His voice was shaky, his hands trembling. He slurred his words but at least he said something. “Every time we go out – we’re… we’re in danger. And I know we have been training for our whole lives, but accidents just happens, no matter how much I want to stop them. But every time something happens, it’s – it’s my fault, you know? I’m the leader. Every mistake falls on my hands. I shouldn’t even made the mistakes because one day, they could be fatal. And one of us could be dead.”

Leonardo bowed his head, his breathing shallow and speeded-up. “It just feels right, father.” He teared the bandage from his second hand, revealing another set of scars and half-healed cuts. “The pain? It’s easy. Simple. You don’t have to think about it. It’s a punishment for doing something wrong, for being reckless. _It feels right._ As the eldest I should be better, the best, and when I’m not – well, then my brothers pay for my mistakes.”

With every word, Splinter’s horror only grew. He could only stare at his son, listen to the heartbreaking thoughts that were consuming Leonardo’s mind. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing, he couldn’t believe that his son thought this was right and true.

Splinter blinked as his eyes watered. He let the tears stream down his face, his heart cracking open. When did all of this happened? How did he allowed for this to happen?

“I’m so sorry, Master Splinter.”

“You have nothing to be sorry, Leonardo.” He put his hands on his shoulders, looking the turtle in his eyes. “I should be the one saying sorry, as I didn’t know you feel that way.”

“What, Sensei, no –”

“Let me speak.” Splinter shook his head slightly. “What you are feeling is wrong. I do not know what started this, but it has to stop, Leonardo. It is far from healthy and it troubles me seeing you like this, knowing you think so little of yourself. None of what you said is true. Leonardo, failing is just another part of a ninja’s path. But you are always doing what you think is best for you and your brothers. You are always protecting them and that is what matters. I am sure your brothers would agree with me.”

“We do.” The three turtles appeared by the kitchen’s doorstep. They all had red-rimmed eyes from crying and Splinter knew they were listening the whole time.

“And you’re really stupid for thinking something like this, Leo,” Raph growled but his voice lacked the usual arrogance. “I can’t believe ya would say this.”

“But –”

Donatello jumped righ to him, gripping Leonardo’s forearm, ignoring the pained hissing his brother gave. “No but, Leonardo. Rap his right. This ends now, alright? Please, Leo. No one blames you for anything, but this has to stop.”

“We’ll help you.“ Mikey came closer, hugging the eldest from behind. “We will. You always help us, now it’s our turn. You always tell us we should learn from our mistakes and move on so don’t be stubborn hypocrite.”

“It’s not that easy, Mikey,” Leonardo muttered as if he was ashamed of himself. “I’ve tried but it didn’t last.”

“It’ll be different this time,” Raphael assured him. “’Cause you have us by your side.”

“But you have to want,” Donatello added.

Splinter smiled warmly at his sons. Although he wished this would never even occur, what was done was done and they could only help him recover. “Let your family help you, Leonardo. Please, my son. Let us prove you wrong.”

For a few seconds, they all waited in tense silence, hoping they wouldn’t have to force the blue-masked turtle. And then Leonardo nodded, slowly and hesitant, but he nodded and that was enough for now.

Splinter knew this won’t be easy. He knew how strong Leonardo’s mind was, knew that this will be rocky proces full of anger and harsh words and strong family feelings, but the only thing that mattered was that Leonardo agreed.

But eventually, they will get better. Leonardo will get better.

Because his family won’t let him down.

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: I nearly triggered myself as Leo’s motives are the same as mine. But I resisted!
> 
> But, yeah. I know this fic propably doesn’t make any sense but I just... had to write it.


End file.
